I was not ambitious as a single male. I married up and my wife always made more than me until our 3 child. I finally passed her income enough for her to stay home full time. Having a wife and children I loved naturally drove me to succeed and I feel more fulfilled for it and would now consider myself an high status male in my self forged career despite hot having a college degree like my wife. I believe a good number of those low status males would significantly improve their status if they were able to get married to someone that loved them.
You aren't just getting married to a person, you are marrying _into a family_. Thus, your spouse's siblings and parents will have a role to play in your future financial security (and happiness), especially if you definitely want children.
A husband who has proximate parents who will be active grandparents to your children may be financially "worth" more than a husband whose income is higher, but whose parents don't live nearby and/or would be much less involved in their grandchildren's lives. Indeed, there is a measurable "grandparent effect" where people living near to their parents have more children, and that's plausibly due to grandparental support for the grandchildren.
If you like international travel, maybe it's better to have a husband whose family lives nearby, rather than one whose family lives in distant places, since you might have to "sacrifice" vacations to visit your husband's parents if they don't live nearby.
Nobody likes to talk about this, but a spouse whose parents have money, might also be "worth" more financially than a higher income spouse whose parents don't have money. 72% of Gen Xers get money from their parents, so it's not so rare. Maybe your spouse's parents won't give you money directly, but they'll open 529s for your children and indirectly take financial pressure off of you.
So I agree, people, especially women, even if they are being totally pragmatic and non-romantic, should consider financial factors other than their potential partner's income. It also matters where your potential spouse's parents live, their attitudes towards you and future grandchildren, and how much money they have.
it's funny that the media and researchers are all concerned that women can't find men that they deem as desirable. But somehow nobody gives a rats ass that men can't find women who are acceptable. As if men are just supposed sit down, shut up and take whatever they can get
You're missing the point here. The whole story is that acceptable women do not want acceptable men - they have been told their whole lives that they must marry up because it is their only chance at a good life.
Men, by and large, do not care about if their woman earns less. They do feel emasculated if their woman earn more than them, however.
Now if we are talking about aspects other than financial potential, I would sympathize with your sentiment. Neither sex is treating the other right, it seems. Inflated requirements on both sides.
One of the commenters, Michael R., shared his personal story on this matter. And while I am happy that his own case proves otherwise, in my own circles, I am yet to meet a high-income educated woman + lower-income man couple who would make it. My circle consists of women like me (all PhDs, 30-40s); none of us are married or even dating simply because we cannot fathom partnering "down." I knew just a few women of similar profile who married down - they are all divorced now. Not because there was something wrong with their men, but because the road toward their husband's improved status is rocky and long, and far too many couples cannot survive it on love alone. I also want to note that the men whom I know in relationships with higher-income women internally feel inadequate and emasculated by the income gap, even though their women do not dangle it over their heads.
I was not ambitious as a single male. I married up and my wife always made more than me until our 3 child. I finally passed her income enough for her to stay home full time. Having a wife and children I loved naturally drove me to succeed and I feel more fulfilled for it and would now consider myself an high status male in my self forged career despite hot having a college degree like my wife. I believe a good number of those low status males would significantly improve their status if they were able to get married to someone that loved them.
You aren't just getting married to a person, you are marrying _into a family_. Thus, your spouse's siblings and parents will have a role to play in your future financial security (and happiness), especially if you definitely want children.
A husband who has proximate parents who will be active grandparents to your children may be financially "worth" more than a husband whose income is higher, but whose parents don't live nearby and/or would be much less involved in their grandchildren's lives. Indeed, there is a measurable "grandparent effect" where people living near to their parents have more children, and that's plausibly due to grandparental support for the grandchildren.
If you like international travel, maybe it's better to have a husband whose family lives nearby, rather than one whose family lives in distant places, since you might have to "sacrifice" vacations to visit your husband's parents if they don't live nearby.
Nobody likes to talk about this, but a spouse whose parents have money, might also be "worth" more financially than a higher income spouse whose parents don't have money. 72% of Gen Xers get money from their parents, so it's not so rare. Maybe your spouse's parents won't give you money directly, but they'll open 529s for your children and indirectly take financial pressure off of you.
So I agree, people, especially women, even if they are being totally pragmatic and non-romantic, should consider financial factors other than their potential partner's income. It also matters where your potential spouse's parents live, their attitudes towards you and future grandchildren, and how much money they have.
it's funny that the media and researchers are all concerned that women can't find men that they deem as desirable. But somehow nobody gives a rats ass that men can't find women who are acceptable. As if men are just supposed sit down, shut up and take whatever they can get
You're missing the point here. The whole story is that acceptable women do not want acceptable men - they have been told their whole lives that they must marry up because it is their only chance at a good life.
Men, by and large, do not care about if their woman earns less. They do feel emasculated if their woman earn more than them, however.
Now if we are talking about aspects other than financial potential, I would sympathize with your sentiment. Neither sex is treating the other right, it seems. Inflated requirements on both sides.
One of the commenters, Michael R., shared his personal story on this matter. And while I am happy that his own case proves otherwise, in my own circles, I am yet to meet a high-income educated woman + lower-income man couple who would make it. My circle consists of women like me (all PhDs, 30-40s); none of us are married or even dating simply because we cannot fathom partnering "down." I knew just a few women of similar profile who married down - they are all divorced now. Not because there was something wrong with their men, but because the road toward their husband's improved status is rocky and long, and far too many couples cannot survive it on love alone. I also want to note that the men whom I know in relationships with higher-income women internally feel inadequate and emasculated by the income gap, even though their women do not dangle it over their heads.
It's not about "encouraged", it is in their DNA... "success-appeal" like men look for "sex appeal" or more appropriate, parent-appeal.
It was not survivor of the fittest, but the thriver because of best parents that survived.
It will take cultural change.